Five years. Ten days. And some hours I’m sure. There lived a red bearded Dwarf who had just turned four.
Turning four in five years and ten days can be tricky. Unless of course it’s You, the Dwarf. Then it’s really quite easy.
If you count the days like You counts the days – it starts when you wake up and when you go to sleep that’s where it stays.
So the day’s beginning has an end but no time. Because each time it’s different and the difference is time.
But enough about years and counting of days. This story is about You and about You this is what I’ll say…
You lived in the woods on the outskirts of town and You never went to school – reading and maths made You frown.
You would only walk the streets if You had no food to eat. And You would not pay for any of the fruit You would sneak.
You would stash a pear, an apple or banana or two safely in a top hat or inside a smelly shoe.
And when the angry cries of the shop keeper cried out. “Who did it?” “You did it!” “It was You no doubt!”
Then confusion would reign because nobody knew “Who’s you” “Not me you” but “You You” that’s who.
And for that moment You would laugh and sing while heading back home which disappeared with the fruit You ate for once again You was all alone.
Now the house You lived in was really quite small. And perched up a tall tree – the tallest tree of them all.
And from high up there You could see the whole town and pick the next victim before You climbed down.
You had concocted a plan before You reached the ground. A mischievous plan that would make everybody frown.
A plan so naughty, so sly and so wrong. Surely this time! This time it would be remembered in song.
Or a poem. Or a rhyme. Or a short story or two. But once You reached the town everyone was staring at You.
Pointing their fingers and squinting their eyes. “We know it’s you You spare us your lies.”
“You walk with red hair on your head and your chin. You are easy to spot. One day we will win.”
“We’ll catch you one day all these tricks that you do. We’ll find our evidence mark our words You.”
But You hurried along and You soon forgot the words You should mark and mark them You did not.
So You found the Mayor’s statue in the center of town. And with no one around. You painted him into a clown.
Blue shoes. White gloves. A red nose and yellow hair. A colorful stripped jacket then You stopped to stare.
The statue of the Mayor held a book in his hand with words that said, “Everybody is welcome in this land.”
This is what the people of the town would say when strangers would come from far far away.
A hand shake and a greeting of, “How do you do?” And a very big smile saying, “It’s a pleasure to meet you!”
With those words You threw the paints onto the floor and jumped and jumped on them until they were no more.
Then You fell to the ground and rolled in despair. And all that paint that You messed was now everywhere.
In a fit of rage You pulled out all the red hair and You ripped off the clothes that You had put on to wear.
You stood before the clown in just underpants that were blue. And ran into the nearest bush for You knew not what to do.
Just then approached the mayor followed by a big crowd. They moved towards the statue and were really very loud.
The Mayor stopped dead where the statue stood. “Who did this? Who did this!? Who did this!!!? Who could?”.
“It was You!” Said the Mayor as he spun around and looked straight at Paul who was standing in the crowd.
“It was not me Mayor I have been here all along. It was You! It was You! Just ask my good friend John.”
“It was me?” Gasped the Mayor as he struggled for air. “No not you. It was You! Just like my friend Paul said.”
The Mayor turned blue then purple then red because the whole crowd was saying, “It was You! Just like you said.”
“Yes You It was. It was You don’t you know? It’s always been You. We just need the proof to show.”
“You! You! You!” The crowd started to shout. The Mayor felt quite nervous so he loosened his belt.
“Ok.” Said the Mayor. “I’ll prove it was You!” This time the crowd gasped, “Which You did he mean – which you who?”.
“Was it You? Or you? Or could it be you? Or was it me? Or You? Which you was it? Who?”
Just then the Mayor spotted the big mess You had left. Broken paints and paintbrushes and colorful footsteps.
“Aha!” Now I have You! All of you will see. I’ll follow the footsteps. All of you follow me.
The crowd fell in line and in line they all walked. They all followed the Mayor and in whispers they talked.
“Could it be? Could it be? Is today the last day? Is this the last prank that You will ever play?”
The Mayor approached the bush where You had crept. The very same bush where You now slept.
“What is this? Who is this? This person’s asleep. He is covered in paint from his head to his feet.”
“Could this be the culprit – you lying on the floor? Could this have been you and not You after all?”
“I was sure it was You the red dwarf but woe all the evidence points to you – a new colorful foe.”
“Wake up. Wake up. Stand up and show your face. Are you to blame for all of this. Stand up and state your case.
Suddenly startled You jumped off the ground and landed on both feet before the Mayor and the crowd.
Wearing only blue underpants and no hair on head nor chin. “Was it you?” Asked the Mayor as the crowd leaned in.
“Was it You?” Sang the crowd. “Who are you by the way?” “Was it you who painted the statue? What have you to say?”
“Quiet down!” Said the Mayor. “Let us all pause. Let the man speak. The floor is now yours.”
You stood before the crowd. You had been given the floor. “Ok I’ll tell you who did it. I’ll tell you it all.”
You looked the Mayor in the eyes and started to tell of all the pranks You had done – and done so well.
“It was You who did it. It was You all this time. It was You who stole the fruit. It was You who did the crime.”
“It was You who tied knots in all your shoe laces. It was You who jammed the locks on all the suit cases.”
“It was You who put glue on all the door handles. It was You who took out all the wicks in the candles.”
“It was You who put the frogs into everyone’s post boxes. It was You who freed the chickens and in their pens put the foxes.”
“It was You who cried fire to see everyone run. It was You who did these pranks just for some fun.”
“It was You who changed the time on the old town clock. It was You who swopped the flag with a smelly old sock.”
“It was You who stole the old mans walking crutches. It was You who took all the children’s school lunches.”
“It was You who rang the bell and made the soufflé flop. It was You who shook the tree and made all the apples drop.”
“It was You who changed the names of all the street signs. It was You who did all these naughty crimes.”
“And It was You who shaved the hair off all the dogs in town. And it was You who painted the statue of the Mayor into a clown.”
Everyone stood in silence and stared – at You the small bald man who’s story You shared.
Shocked! Bewildered! Totally unaware. That they were actually staring at You standing there.
As You gazed into their glazed over faces the people of the town were frozen in their places.
Someone tried to speak but could make no sound. The Mayor moved his lips but no words he found.
Unsure of the next move that You should make You grabbed the Mayors hand and gave him a handshake.
“It’s a pleasure to meet you.” You said shaking his hand. “Welcome.” Said the Mayor. “Everybody is welcome in this land.”
You smiled a smile bigger than ever before. “I’m so very happy to finally meet you all.”
The Mayor gathered his wits. The crowd gathered theirs too. “We’re happy to meet you, but what happened to You?”
“I confronted You and a battle ensued. Paint and paintbrushes as weapons we used.”
“You painted me these colors and tore off my clothes. I pulled out You’s hair and punched You in the nose.”
“Then You turned and with a kick and a push, You ran out of town while I fell into this bush.”
“Well hooray to you for standing up to You. At least now we know for sure that it’s always been You.”
“But tell us your name please tell us let’s hear. We’d like to thank you by name and give you a cheer.”
“They don’t know it’s me.” You thought. “Then that’s who I’ll be.” “My name is Me. Just Me. Only Me.”
So now whenever something bad happens you see. Who’s the first to blame You?
… That’s right, it’s Me.