The Real Red Riding Hood
Little Red Riding Hood. A fairytale that we have all loved for many generations. A story about a girl who disobeys her mother about walking through the woods to Grandma’s house where she meets a wolf. He is courteous and he inquires where she is going. She tells him, so afterwards, he races to Grandma’s house, eats her and dons her clothes. When Red Riding Hood comes, she asks various questions and the wolf eats her. Then they are saved by the wood cutter and they all lived happily ever after. Boring! Here’s the real story.
Red Riding Hood wasn’t the sweet little girl everyone thought she was. For a start, she had no manners, she never said please and thank you. She never washed her hands and was a little prankster, always frightening her poor mother with glass eyes in her coffee, bugs in her soup, glue on her chair and wet paint on the door handles. The poor woodcutter, who happened to be Red Riding Hood’s father, (not a passing and friendly neighbour as we are led to believe) had had enough of sneezing powder, exploding cigarettes (to combat his smoking problem) and itching powder in his clothes. Finally, he exploded like a firecracker going off in a small room, “Red Riding Hood, go and pester your dear grandma for a change. She’ll fix you right up!” So Red Riding Hood baked some cakes and biscuits for her grandma, with a special bottle of lemonade, all her own recipe. There was salt where there should be sugar, rocks where there should be currents and salt and extra lemons with no sugar in the lemonade! And so off on the path as her mother told her she began, but as soon as she was out of sight of the house, she raced into the woods that naughty little child and began picking thistles for her Grandma instead of flowers as our boring tale says.
“A few of these on Grandma’s chair will certainly make her go through the roof! A flying Grandma!” giggled the mischievous Red Riding Hood.
Suddenly from the shadows appeared a wolf.
“Good day Miss Riding Hood. What brings you here to this part of the woods?
“I am gathering a few surprises for my ugly Grandma” smiled Red Riding Hood. “See, I have thistles and fireworks, rocks cakes and super salty and sour lemonade for my old, wrinkly and pucker mouthed grandma”. She laughed in the wolf’s face as he stepped backwards.
“Where does this ugly Grandma of yours live?” he asked cautiously.
“Oh, just over that way in an old and crumbly cottage” replied Red Riding Hood in an offhand manner, “Now I best be on my way and so should you, you smelly wolf.” She pinched her nose in disgust, “Even my cat smells better than you do today.” (Do you see what I mean about no manners?) The wolf looked hurt as he ran away towards Grandma’s cottage. He must warn Grandma that her naughty granddaughter was coming!
The wolf reached Grandma’s house out of breath, knocking politely before entering. Grandma wasn’t in her bed; she was doing exercises from karate!
“Ah another one! This time you’ll pay Mister Wolf!” Grandma kicked the wolf squarely in the chest, landing on top of him.
“Please don’t hurt me Grandma! I’m here to warn you about your naughty granddaughter Red Riding Hood!”
“Oh that granddaughter! Don’t worry Mister Wolf; we’ll fix her right up. Here’s my plan.”
The pair lay in wait for the unsuspecting Red Riding Hood as she skipped up the path to Grandma’s cottage, all sorts of nasty surprises whizzing about in that naughty little head of hers. She didn’t knock at the door, instead reaching for the door handle, only to find it was covered in honey!
“Granny must have spilt this all over her door and forgotten to clean the handle. On purpose! I’ll teach her a lesson” fumed Red Riding Hood, who didn’t like having practical jokes being played on her. She marched into the house, revising her plan in her head when she found Grandma in her bed. At least it should be Grandma. Grandma had sprouted long furry ears, sharp pointy teeth and big yellow eyes not grey.
“You look very funny today Grandma. Did you swallow a fly, a spider and bird?” She laughed as she imagined all the different animals racing around in her grandma’s stomach just like in the nursery rhyme There Was an Old Lady. Grandma didn’t say anything, just yawned and showed off her long, pointy teeth. Red Riding Hood stared at Grandma.
“Grandma, I brought you some cakes, biscuits and lemonade.” She hauled the basket over to the bed and dumped it on the bed. “Are you going to have some?” she demanded rudely. Grandma smiled.
“Some what my dear?”
Red Riding Hood glared at her. “Some food Grandma! If I wasn’t so sure those ears were twice as big as they were last time I would say you are deaf!” Red Riding Hood stamped her foot on the ground three times. Grandma shifted in her bed and leaned towards Red Riding Hood with a smile.
“Is that any way to speak to your Grandma? How about manners?” Wolf asked with a slight grumble. Red grinned with a smile that suggested she had a plan forming in her head.
“Grandma would you like something to eat? I baked these rock cakes myself” Wolf groaned inwardly. “Certainly my dear Granddaughter. But you must be hungry too. How about some of my vegetable soup first? We must always have our lunch before our dessert” Red looked like she was going to pout but obediently went to the giant cauldron hanging over the open fire and dished out two bowls of steaming soup. Wolf slurped the soup happily a moment before pausing.
“My dear this soup needs more salt. Could you please get some from the cupboard over there?” Red grumbled something about never getting old before she stomped to the cupboard. Meanwhile Wolf secretly put a good four tablespoons of hot chilli powder into Red’s soup while the little girl’s back was turned. Red threw the salt shaker into her grandmother’s lap and set about tasting her soup. Wolf watched eagerly. Red’s face suddenly looked rather queer. Her mouth had puckered up like she had just eaten a dozen lemons without a single teaspoon of sugar before turning red as a fire engine.
“Yeow!” yelped Red as she rocketed off her chair like the fireworks she was planning to use later, racing at lightning speed to the kitchen tap where she proceeded to drink a river of water.
“Grandma” she panted when she had finished, not sure if her Grandma was grinning secretly or not, “I think the soup is too hot for me. Can we enjoy the rock cakes instead?”
Wolf nodded warily, taking one of the cakes from the plate. Imagine his surprise when he bit into a delicious rock cake filled with real fruit instead of real rocks. Red looked shocked before she grabbed a cake and bit into it, her eyes growing as big as saucers. Wolf smiled.
“These are absolutely fabulous Red! Did you make these yourself?” Red went to shake her head, but changed her mind and nodded.
“So how are your parents Red? I hope you are being as good for them as you are for me” Red nodded stiffly before putting her feet up on the table and slurping a glass of water through a straw noisily. Grandma still smiled. She licked her lips. Red looked into her basket and grinned in a way when you know that someone is planning to do something bad. Then she pulled out the thistles she had picked. She presented them to her Grandma grinning.
“I picked these just for you Grandma. They remind me of you.” Grandma took the thistles carefully and went to the cupboard for a vase. After filling it with water and putting the thistles in it and the vase on the kitchen table, she sat in her big armchair. Except that naughty girl had played another prank on her dear Grandma. She had used string to tie a firework to each leg of the chair and lit them. Now children never never ever do this to anyone, even if they make you eat your vegetables before your sweets and tell you what time to go to bed and watch you with the eyes of an eagle to make sure you do your homework. When Grandma Wolf sat down again on the chair, the fireworks went off. Grandma Wolf shot up into the air, whizzed past Red’s head popping and whizzing madly so loudly if someone had happened to pass by, they would surely have come running to the house to decipher the matter. In any case, Grandma Wolf sped through the open window, doing loop the loops outside before finally landing nearby, still sitting on the chair. Red started laughing, she laughed so much she fell to the floor laughing and did not at first notice the hungry look in Grandma’s eyes as she came in and sat down in her bed once again. Red looked at her Grandma intently as if she was looking at her properly for the first time.
“Grandma, you seem very strange. You have very big, furry ears”
“I can hear you better than with a hearing aid”
“But Grandma you have yellow eyes instead of grey”
“They are from an operation so I don’t need glasses to see you”
“But Grandma” trembled Red in terror, “Your teeth are huge!”
“I don’t need to wear false teeth because I can still eat you!” cried the wolf who leapt out of the bed and swallowed up the little girl in one big gulp. Grandma came out of her hiding place and laughed so hard she rolled on the floor.
“Oh well done Mr. Wolf your acting was just splendid. And now for my turn.” She pulled out a bottle of purple liquid and a stethoscope. She put one ear piece in her ear and one in Wolf’s giant ear and put the stethoscope on Wolf’s stomach.
“Red how are you in there?” There was faint whimpering.
“Oh Grandma it’s so horrible and dark in here. I’m scared.”
“Well my dear there is one cure to rescue you. Simply promise your parents, myself and Mr. Wolf whose belly you are presently in, that you will never prank us ever again.”
“What happens then?”
“Then Mr. Wolf will simply spit you out.”
“Alright I promise never to prank anyone again. Please let me out now” begged the little voice from inside. Grandma and Wolf winked at each other, Wolf taking a sip of purple liquid from the bottle. Nothing happened for a moment. Then Wolf burped. His stomach rumbled terribly. Then he burped again, louder this time. He burped a final time, this one was the largest and out shot Red Riding Hood, not harmed at all as she landed on the bed. She sat up, looked at her Grandma and Mr. Wolf before racing out of the front door. Grandma and Mr. Wolf just laughed and laughed and I can tell you right not that Red Riding Hood never pranked anyone ever again, especially her Grandma as Mr. Wolf would often visit her.