The Three Fat Pigs

Once upon a time when pigs drank wine
And monkeys watched Chewbacca
And hens cluck, cluck clucked before being plucked
And ducks went quack, quack, quack o!

There was an old sow with three fat pigs that stuffed their pork-chop faces with chocolate, cakes and ice cream. In fact, from early morning till night that’s all they ever did. Until one day they had grown fatter than the moon and too big for the family home. So their mother sent them out into the world to build their own houses.
The first to leave home met a chocolate maker, and said to him:
“Please, sir, give me enough chocolate to build a chocolate castle.
The chocolate maker, being very generous, gave him a mountain of chocolate. But the fat pig ate so much of it there was only enough left to build a tiny cottage. Along came a timber wolf, and said:
“Fat pig, fat pig, come on out.”
To which the pig answered.
“No, no, by the grunt of my snouty snout snout.”
The timber wolf’s muzzle broke into a smile and he said:
“Then I’ll howl and I’ll growl and I’ll tear your door down.”
So he howled and he growled and he tore his door down, and gobbled up the fat pig.
The second fat pig met a baker, and said to him:
“Please sir, give me enough dough to bake a giant castle.”
The baker, like his friend the chocolate maker, was a generous and happy man, and gave him a mountain of dough.
The only problem was the oven the second fat pig borrowed to bake his castle was no bigger than a car. So he baked a cake cottage and ate the rest of the dough.
Along came the timber wolf, and said:
“Fat pig, fat pig, come on out.”
“No, no, by the grunt of my snouty snout snout.”
“Then I’ll howl and I’ll growl and I’ll tear your door down.”
So he howled and he growled and finally he tore his door down, and gobbled up the fat pig.
The third fat pig met an ice cream seller, and said:
“Please, sir, give me enough ice cream to make an ice cream castle.”
The ice cream seller wasn’t as generous as the chocolate maker and the baker, and instead offered the third fat pig a job selling ice cream from his ice cream van. That way, he said, the pig could make lots of money to buy ice cream and build his castle. In the meantime the ice cream van could be his home. The third fat pig accepted the job. Straight away he served ice cream cones to the children through a small window in the van.
Along came the timber wolf, and said:
“Fat pig, fat pig, come on out.”
“No, no, by the grunt of my snouty snout snout.”
“Then I’ll howl and I’ll growl and I’ll tear your door down.”
Well, he howled and he growled, and he howled and he growled, and he growled and he howled; but the ice cream van didn’t even shake. Soon the timber wolf was out of breath and he gave up trying to tear the door down, and said:
“Fat pig, why don’t you come and work for me cutting timber in the pine forest by the river.” The wolf was a carpenter, and he promised to pay the pig with timber. He explained that in time he would have enough timber to build a solid castle made of wood. A wooden castle was far stronger and safer than a castle made from ice cream.
“Well, it is getting a bit cold in this van all day and night,” said the pig. “So, yes, I’ll work for you. At what time do I start in the morning?” the pig asked.
“As soon as the sun blinks open his eyes,” said the timber wolf. “I’ll come to your door here and we can walk together to the river.”
The next morning the pig left the van while the sun still snored. By the time the wolf arrived, the pig had chopped down many trees and cut them into timber planks. When he saw the timber wolf approaching along the forest path, he got frightened.
“Timber,” the pig shouted with his last swing of the axe against a tall pine tree.
The tree fell and crashed to the ground across the forest path, trapping the timber wolf under its leafy branches. While the timber wolf struggled to get free, the pig trotted back to the ice cream van and locked himself inside.
Soon after the timber wolf returned with an injured back leg. He felt very angry. But, because he wanted to fool the pig, he smiled and told him about the next day’s work.
“Tomorrow we have a job in the spruce forest next to the great lake,” he said.
“Well,” said the pig. “I’m not sure. You haven’t paid me yet for the work I did today.”
“Half the timber you cut down today is yours,” said the wolf. “That’s your pay.”
The pig grunted with excitement to hear this. “Okay,” said the pig. “At what time do we begin work tomorrow?”
“One hour before the sun opens up his sleepy eyes,” said the wolf. “Be sure to wait for me and we’ll go together.”
The next morning, two hours before the sun awoke, the pig made his way to the spruce forest beside the lake and he began to chop and cut. He worked so hard he lost track of time until he saw the timber wolf in the distance limping along the lakeshore. Too far from the spruce forest to chop down a tree on top of the wolf, the pig had to think quickly.
“Don’t go too close to the river,” the pig shouted over to the timber wolf. “The grass is quite wet after last night’s rain. You might slip into the water.”
“Ah, he’s trying to trick me again,” the wolf said to himself. And he moved nearer the lake’s edge, where he slipped on the grass and fell into the lake.
“Help. Help,” the wolf shouted, because he found it difficult to swim with his bad leg. Luckily, however, the water at the edge of the lake wasn’t very deep, and the wolf dragged himself out and to the shore. By then the pig had trotted off home to the safety of the ice cream van.
From his fall into the cold lake, the timber wolf caught a heavy cold. So, between stopping to sneeze and walking slowly because of his injured leg, it took him a long time to arrive back at the pig’s door. He found it very difficult to control his anger at being tricked by the pig for a second time, but his injured leg and his cold meant that he needed food in his belly to give him back energy and make him strong.
“I’m here to tell you, fat pig, about the special job we have on for tomorrow. Many of the old trees in the oak forest by the seashore are rotten and dangerous. Our job is to cut them down.”
“I have no use for rotten timber,” said the fat pig. “How could I use old and useless wood to build my castle?”
“I’ll tell you what,” said to wolf, who was now quite desperate with the hunger. “All the wood you chopped down today in the spruce forest is yours if you come to work with me in the old oak forest tomorrow.”
The fat pig agreed. With the two lots of wood from the pine and the spruce forests, he had enough to build his wooden castle. “Great,” said the fat pig. “Tell me the time we start and I’ll be up and ready.”
The wolf wasn’t going to be fooled by the fat pig for a third time. “Three hours before the sun rubs the sleep from his eyes,” he said. “I’ll be here at that time in the morning.” But really the wolf’s plan was to arrive four hours before the sun awoke. That way he’d meet the fat pig stepping out of the ice cream van door. He could almost taste the rashers and sausages on his tongue.
The fat pig, however, had other plans. He stayed awake all night building his wooden castle on the seashore with the wood he had chopped down and brought from the pine and spruce forests. But the night went in quickly and he hadn’t yet finished the work when he saw the timber wolf sneezing, coughing and dragging his leg along the beach in the morning light.
Terrified, the fat pig ran into the forest with his axe.
“Aha,” said the wolf. “Now I have you. There’s no way you can escape me this time.”
“Timber,” the fat pig shouted from the dark forest, where he hit an old tree a terrific blow with his axe.
The timber wolf laughed. “No, fat pig, you won’t fool me again. You think I’m going to run into the sea?”
The fat pig, in his haste to escape the now loping wolf, ran into the path of the falling tree. The tree, thundered to the forest floor, where it crushed the pig like an ant being squished beneath a boy’s thumb.
The wolf then gobbled up the pig as he had with the pig’s brothers. He next rested for a week until his leg was mended and his cold cleared up. The wolf then got to work and finished the roof of the wooden castle almost completed by the pig. And he lived happily ever after.