Based on Hansel and Gretel
Once upon a time in the great and magical land of 1970s Philly lived a low-income corner store owner with his wife and his two children on the southside. They boy was named Vinny, sometimes known as ‘Da South Philly Scratchmaster Alakazzaam’ and the girl was named Dorina. He had a small business and after the Nyung Ho Vietnamese Market Store opened in town he couldn’t afford magical goya beans and enchanting Hershey’s chocolate bars to satisfy the hunger of the family. When he thought over this by night he whined and groaned to his wife:
“Margaret! What is going to become of us? How are we to feed our poor deadbeat children who do nothing but listen to that ear-bleeding racket known as disco music? We have but no food to ourselves!!”
“Alright, Fritz, I’ll tell you what now!” answered the wife in a loud and angry voice, “Early tomorrow we gonna take the bus and pretend we’re going to visit the liberty bell; there we will give them each a packet of Boston Baked Beans and immediately rush back home without them noticing a single thing! Then hopefully they would survive less than three days because they will be eaten alive by the cannibal junkies!”
“That sounds delightful!” the man said as he let out a devilish laugh, “I can’t wait to get rid of those no good street rodents!”
The next morning they rode along on the flying public transit bus, rich in graffiti and cigarette butts to the wondrous Liberty Bell. Vinny and Dorina gazed at it, not knowing that their parents had already ran away. They were far away from their home, so they couldn’t find their way back.
They sat down on a wooden park bench eating the Boston Baked Beans their parents gave them.
“Ah fiddlesticks, Vinny!” Dorina cried out loudly, “What are we to do now? Our parents have left us in the dangerous and dank depths of Philly!”
“Oh do be quiet! No need to hear your whining Dorina!” replied Vinny, “I have heard tales of a funkadelic frog named George Clinton who can magically erect royal brick apartments just for ourselves! I am nothing but sure he will do it for us!”
They walked the dark and grim streets of Philly all night long. They were starving since they ate several hours ago and had to drink from the dirty public fountains across the land. As dawn came along, they found a dark red van with the words ‘CHEESESTEAK VAN’ scratched on the side. Curious as to what was inside, they broke into the back of the van and found a never-ending supply of delightful Philly cheesesteaks. They feasted on the cheesesteaks for hours until a scratchy and loud voice cried from the front seat of the van:
‘Nibble, nibble, gnaw, who are the pigs eating and hogging my precious cheesesteaks?’
The children answered:
‘Some hobo, some hobo, some starving old hobo’
Then a furious witch opened the door in the back of the van. She had red and glowing eyes, light blue frizzled hair, a snake tongue and green skin that looked like that of a reptile. The witch went rummaging through the van and found the children.
“Alright kiddos!” said the witch in her thick accent as she picked up Vinny and Dorina by their shirt collars, “Because you snuck your fat rumps into private property and ate my precious cheesesteaks, I think that is only fair to eat you both in return! It will be a delightful feast!”
The children were then tied up next to a large sizzling deep fryer.
“We’re doomed now.” said Vinny fearfully, “Nobody can save us.”
As Vinny and Dorina were moving their arms and legs in fear and in hopes of getting out, a frog sporting multicolored hair and star shaped sunglasses jumped into the van. It was George Clinton! The children looked up in amazement.
“Alright, Vinny and Dorina, listen up now! If you want to break free you got to give me big smooches three!” George Clinton told the children in his raspy voice, “Then I’ll turn into a human, get y’all outta this situation and you will have big ol’ royal apartments erected just for both of you fine kids!”
Vinny and Dorina were unsure at first and after rambling on about how they did not want George Clinton to do such a thing to them, the frog quickly jumped up to them and gave them both three big smooches on the lips. As he was laughing out loud in his raspy voice, he slowly transformed into a human. After thirty seconds of his uncontrollable laughter, he cleared his throat.
“At least it’s better than being cooked alive!” George Clinton told them as he cut the ropes the children were tied to, “Now hold my hand and I will fly y’all to your fine royal apartments.”
As they grabbed his hand and flew out of the van, the witch looked at them while stomping her feet and waving her arms in the air wildly.
“You filthy kids! You hogs! You despicable nasty thiefs!” the witch cried out furiously.
When the children and George Clinton arrived in the beautiful land of North Philly, George Clinton put his hands on Vinny and Dorina’s shoulders.
“Alright kids, peep this out!”
He snapped his fingers and two high-rise brick buildings were magically erected. “Here it is!” he said, “Two funky royal apartments complete with a large balcony, a luxurious discotheque and an endless amount of magical goya beans and enchanting Hershey’s chocolate bars!”
The children were euphoric and thanked George Clinton. He then laughed the same way he did before.
“Y’all take care kids!” George Clinton said as he slowly faded away.
The children then lived their lives happily ever after, spinning disco records and eating endless amounts of philadelphian delicacies.